My mom and dad are 94 and 95 years old. They’ve been married for 72 years.
My mom has increasing dementia and blindness, macular degeneration.. She has been a powerful doer all her life. Now, she no longer has any big goals.
That’s ok. She’s lived a good, long life, and now she’s tired. She still takes care of herself, puts on makeup, empties the dishwasher, even waters the plants, best as she can.
My dad has intense anxiety about my mom. He desperately wants her to have goals because she always has.
He has LOTS of goals and lists, and a need to leave things in ship shape. He has heart failure.
I got upset because he got upset and told me in a big, loud voice that I need to keep a list of topics to discuss with my mom, in order to be prepared. “That’s what I do! It’s not hard. And then, you always have something to talk about. Just do it, ok?”
I don’t like being bullied by my dad, even when I know he’s terrified and hurting.
I need the people I love to be relational and take responsibility for their feelings.
My dad may be beyond being able to take responsibility for his feelings. I’m not really sure that he ever has, come to think of it.
I did speak up to my dad. I told him that I do want to know how he feels and that I want him to own his feelings, rather than blame all of us.
He GA-rumped in reply…and told me to call my mother.
He thinks that if we call her all the time and keep her busy, that everything will be ok.
I know his heart is breaking. He’s losing her. He’s losing himself… his life. He’s losing control.
They love life, and it’s ending. And it hurts.
My sister is reading a book called Letting go: the pathway of surrender, by David R. Hawkins;
Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it.
~ David R.Hawkins
It’s that softening, that surrendering, that allowing the pain to move through us, that deepens our ability to love and connect.
I have had a few times over the past few years, where my dad did soften and cry, and allow those painful feelings to move through him.
My heart opened. And I felt so much connection and love for him in those moments. Everything felt right in my world.
It’s my turn to soften now, and to accept that this is where he is.
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