I’m feeling sad.
It sounds silly but I found myself weeping in the car because I had an opportunity to really enjoy myself today, and I didn’t.
I set aside time to work on my yearly calendar project. I take photos all year with the calendar in mind. And I choose 12 poems from the list of poems that Kate and I have memorized together. (We’re up to 107!)
I was excited to get going on it. And then, I noticed I was having that ol’ familiar feeling of press, of wanting-needing to get it done. I was aware of feeling uncomfortable in my body. My left side was sore and my breathing, tight.
“Oh that”, I thought, and pushed on through. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing, to take the time to stretch or breathe.
And I got A LOT done. And, that feels great! Because sometimes it feels like I can’t ever get anything done!
But when I made space for the sadness to speak, it said… What’s the point if we can’t enjoy ourselves?… Why do we always have to hurry and push?… I feel like I’m being dragged along through life…
And as I allow the grief to surface, I start to breathe more freely, and I feel better, more at ease.
I speak out loud in the car, to the sad one… I’m sorry… I get it…I know that if I had paused for even 10 minutes, to slow down and be with you, to stretch and to breathe, we could have had a lot more fun…
I’ve always felt the push of trying to keep up and being too slow.
I’ve never been able to feel excitement or enjoy myself, when there’s pressure to get things done.
I have a sensitive nervous system. My left side gets tight. My breath gets shallow. I get anxious.
Can I push through? Yes.
Do I enjoy myself? No.
Is it tiresome, obnoxious and boring, to have to slow down and tend to my body’s needs? YES.
I often override my needs because there’s so much to do. Sound familiar?
I want to be good company for myself. If I were doing the calendar with a friend, which I often do, we’d have a treat, put on music…COZY IN!
But what about when I’m doing things alone?
If I listen to my needs and take them more seriously, I’ll be rewarded. With what? MORE JOY!
Some people are like football players. They can bash their way through, no problem! Yeeha! And some aren’t.
Here’s my nervous system’s wisdom for the day… Life is short. If you’re hurrying, and not enjoying yourself, why not STOP… Pause…Take a moment to Pay Attention to what’s hurting…instead of pushing through…?
Try it. You might find that you enjoy yourself a whole lot more. Do you relate to this? I’d love to know!
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