Lost
Stand still.
The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost.
Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes.
Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again,
saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still.
The forest knows where you are.
You must let it find you.
~ David Wagoner
I love this poem by David Wagoner. There are lots of different ways of feeling lost. And I think it’s safe to say that feeling lost is scary.
When we feel lost, we feel disconnected.
I have a personal history of getting lost. This is common with trauma.
When I was 11, I got lost on the way to my piano lesson. Being a 4th child, my mom naturally made the assumption that I was ready to take the bus on my own. The trip required a transfer, and I got confused and panicked. I got off at the wrong stop, or maybe I got a transfer to the wrong place…No cell phones, of course. So, I took off down the sidewalk, crying.
A friendly woman stopped me. “Are you ok dear? Are you lost? What’s your name?” And, small world, it turns out that the woman knows my parents. We’re near her home. She gives them a call. Life rolls on.
But I never forgot the vulnerability of getting lost. Of being alone and not knowing where I was.That woman was truly an angel who swooped in and saved me from a terrifying time.
It took me a long time and a lot of therapy to understand that…
I needed MORE support
I needed MORE help!
It wasn’t my job to figure things out.
I wasn’t ready to take the bus on my own. I had trauma. I got flooded with confusion at times and panicked. And that’s normal with trauma.
I needed my mom to slow way down and attune to my reality. And God bless her, she tried.
And I hate to say it, but I still get lost as an adult. At least now, I’m able to recognize what’s happening, and instead of getting scared and melting down, I can SLOW DOWN and for the most part, I can have compassion for myself. “Oh this again”…HERE… That lost place.
I took a trip to Yorkshire England a few years ago by myself. I was taking a hike through the delightful scenic sheep country. And, you guessed it, I took a wrong turn. I’m not much of a map reader… (That was my X’s job.) I ended up in a town miles away from where I was supposed to be.
It was getting dark. I went to a café. First things first, I got a glass of wine and called a friend in the States. We came up with all the worst case scenarios. And we made a plan. It was super helpful. I was no longer ALONE.
The buses had stopped running but I approached a bus that was sitting there empty and told him my sob story. He was very kind and agreed to take me back to the town that I was staying in. He told me we’d be taking the long way around to get there, and I said NO PROBLEM! He was my British angel bus driver, swooping in to save the day.
I sat alone on the bus, in the dark, winding through the Yorkshire countryside, feeling relieved, and vulnerable. Somehow I got lost…and now, once again, I’m depending on a total stranger to get me safely home.
I wanted to beat up on myself. I felt so stupid! I could hear my dad’s incriminating voice, saying “What were you thinking?! How could you do such a thing?! ”
Well, here’s the thing, dad,…(and for all of you out there who have trauma and find yourselves getting lost, take note):
I couldn’t have done anything differently.
I was doing my very best.
I had no idea that I had gone the wrong way
It didn’t even occur to me to look again or double check.
I have come to accept that I have a certain vulnerability in this area. Each time it happens, rather than beating up on myself, I have yet another opportunity, to heal up this terrible feeling that I’m somehow flawed or broken.
I surrender. I slow down and ask for help.
Or in the words of David Wagoner:
Stand still. The forest knows where you are.
You must let it find you.
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